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April 19, 2009

The Adventures of GoodMommy and BadMommy

A mom friend was calling herself "Bad Mommy", as some of us do, in the park yesterday and now I have this thing playing in my head at 7 in the morning so I'm writing it down.

We new moms have trouble with basic things sometimes. The baby is crying, we can't think clearly, and we try fixing the five things that are not wrong before fixing the one that is. Or we leave the house without one of the following: keys, a hat, a diaper, a blanket, the cell phone, etc. It's clear that during these times we are not ourselves. We have been attacked by BadMommy. Can't you see this playing out comic-book style?

Example: GoodMommy and baby are sleeping. Baby starts fidgeting. GoodMommy wakes up, gets baby, and starts feeding him. He's somewhat interested and calms down, but is still fidgety. GoodMommy realizes she, too is hungry.

A shadow falls across her face. A blank expression ensues. Fatigue-induced poor judgement turns her into ... (next panel, with some sort of Hulk-like transformation graphics and "KABLAM!" exclamations) ... BADMOMMY!

BadMommy is braindead and leaves babies to suffer! She doesn't change poopy diapers! She makes sure that all clothing is always uncomfortable and the baby is always too hot or too cold! She bathes the baby in freezing water and puts the baby to sleep in a sauna! She bangs baby's head on doorjambs! She takes him out in the sun and subjects him to the germs in the park! She sometimes lets baby SLEEP ON HIS TUMMY.

GoodMommy is perfect, always knows what's wrong, and never appears in public.

BadMommy thinks only of herself and is hungry! BadMommy convinces herself that fidgety baby will go to sleep if she puts him in his cosleeper! She watches him fidget and then leaves the room, heading for the kitchen.

She forgets to turn on the baby monitor!

She leisurely takes a yogurt out of the fridge and adds granola, never realizing that the baby is fidgeting because she forgot to BURP the baby!!!

She forgot to burp the baby two hours ago, and again just now!

The baby is struggling against a gigantic burp! (Cue illustration of baby with tortured expression. Vibrating squiggle lines indicate discomfort of gigantic pulsating burp.)

But GoodMommy lies somewhere in the back of BadMommy's mind. The yogurt slowly brings her back to life. Guilt enters BadMommy's brain.

She remembers the monitor and hears the baby crying. Oh @#$@#!, says BadMommy. GoodMommy still isn't entirely back, though, because she brings her yogurt to the bedroom. She gets the baby and he quiets down as she sits in the rocker, eying her yogurt. She reaches for it, contorting baby. BABY BURPS!! BadMommy had no idea that's what was going on!

BadMommy and baby will go to sleep now, and hopefully when they wake up, GoodMommy will be back. But BadMommy is always lurking in GoodMommy's brain ... lack of sleep and a crying baby may bring her back at any moment. Stay tuned for next week's adventures with GoodMommy and baby's nemesis, BadMommy.

(It occurs to me that this may not be funny or seem interesting to anyone but a new mom... er, sorry about that.)

Posted by csageday at 08:16 AM | Comments (0)

April 08, 2009

Oops. Blame Twitter.

Sorry. I have a blog. I forgot. Actually, I think I've defected to chronicling the babyness Twitter, which is much more feasible given my schedule and hand- and brain-availability these days.

Update! I forgot the gratuitous baby pic:

Posted by csageday at 11:13 PM | Comments (0)