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January 21, 2006
Starbucks Virgin
Yesterday, for the first time in years, I ventured into a Starbucks. I recently switched buildings at work. At the old building, we got free Starbucks coffee; at the new one, we don't. While I've never liked Starbucks coffee (too dark) from the store, the House Blend they had at the old building was perfect.
I usually get desperate for coffee -- specifically, the old-building coffee -- around 3pm. Substitutes like soda, tea, or chocolate just don't cut it. So after lunch yesterday I decided to do the previously unthinkable: buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks. I've boycotted the place for years (except in the case of a severe hot chocolate craving), because it's expensive, not independent, lame, neighborhood-wrecking, and not fair-trade. But this was an emergency.
So I walk into the store, walk up to the register, and realize I have no idea how to order a regular cup of coffee at Starbucks. The menu is way too complicated to make any sense of in a few seconds, and I can't find plain old coffee. I've never learned the latte-skim-double-grande-soy-tall language everyone else uses. It's so familiar that people make jokes about it, but I can't seem to figure out how to say "small coffee with milk". So I stutter:
Me (cautious): "Can I just get a regular coffee?"
The barrista looks perplexed, then she smiles like she thinks it's funny.
Barrista: "Um, [smile], what do you mean?"
I don't find this funny. How can the biggest coffee chain in history not understand this simple request?
Me (realizing I need to specificy a size, but only remembering "grande", which can't be small): "A small coffee with milk?" I gesture with hands while saying this, as if there's some sort of language barrier and she won't understand "small."
Barrista (really smiling now): Okay, one [small coffee in Starbucks language].
She comes back with the coffee and starts babbling about steamed milk, like she wants to impart some Starbucks knowledge to me so I won't be such an embarrassment to the Starbucks institution next time I come in. Maybe she things I'm from the midwest or Sweden.
Barrista: "mumble mumble milk."
Me: "What?"
Barrista: "You can get milk over there. If you order milk at the counter you can get steamed milk."
Me: "Um, okay..."
Barrista: "Steamed milk takes longer and costs more."
Me: (nodding, like I might possibly order steamed milk next time ...) "Okay, thanks."
Did she really think I meant steamed milk? Was she trying to imply that Starbucks isn't really the place for regular coffee, but really meant for higher forms of the art, like cappucchino and latte? As if this weren't completely obvious by all of the hissing and steaming and snobbery behind the counter?
I think about it again -- maybe she wants to warn me, the innocent Starbucks virgin, of the high Starbucks cost of coffee? I decide to look at the register display: $1.77. I want to say out loud: "It costs MORE?!?" but keep my mouth shut.
I realize Starbucks must price the normal cup of coffee this way to discourage people from buying it -- it's not a wallet-friendly or morning-friendly price. 77 cents!? That involves pennies and calculation and is just obnoxious.
I feel slightly condescended to in some way -- it seems like no one in the history of the store may ever have come in NOT knowing the Starbucks ordering language before. I slink away to the milk counter and leave, feeling as if the barrista might be watching me as I went out the door.
Oh, and the coffee was terrible.
Posted by csageday at January 21, 2006 01:45 PM
Comments
Apparently there's a version of the small coffee which is smaller than the 'tall' -- I read about it in the NY Times or someplace. They don't offer them on the menu but you can ask for it.
A REAL coffee shop would brew your coffee by the cup and if you asked for milk, put it in for you, to your liking. We have one of those out here...in the midwest... :)
Posted by: ck at January 21, 2006 04:50 PM
I was once given a booklet by a Starbucksista that described the whole ordering process. It explained where the word "latte" is supposed to be placed in the sentance structure and at what point you are expected to specify "to go." Of course, the only thing I found useful was the coupon for a free Frappuccino.
Posted by: D at January 22, 2006 01:05 PM
Well, if you're ever in a similar bind again, take the Starbucks Challenge and ask for fair trade coffee. Starbucks stores are supposed to French press a cup of Cafe Estima -- their only fair trade blend -- for you on request...
Posted by: green LA girl at January 24, 2006 02:59 AM
Ahhh -- insider Starbucks knowledge! Thanks ck and green LA girl (nice site!). I'm not sure I can bring myself to visit the evil green giant again, but if I do, I'll be prepared. And ck -- sorry for the midwest dig -- it's rather a habit with New Yorkers to rag on the midwest (we somtimes forget that you, too, have urban centers and not just acres and acres of farmland and livestock).
Posted by: Cindy at January 24, 2006 08:21 PM
Finally, someone agrees with me that Starbucks over-roasts their coffee. Even the regular blends are too dark -- I expect French or espresso roast to be dark but leave my breakfast blend somewhere in the medium range, please. Great article -- I too try to avoid going into Starbucks at all costs but there are those times when it is unavoidable. The last time I was in one I asked for a Tazo hot tea and the girl looked at me like I had four heads. "We don't have that," she said. "Then why is it on the menu right above your head?" I replied.
Brian
Posted by: Brian Preston-Campbell at February 11, 2006 11:56 AM