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December 17, 2005

Fudge Debacle

A word of advice: Stay away from the section of the cookbook labeled "Candy" unless you have a degree in the culinary arts. And patience. And at least a 700 on the math section of the SATs. And excellent eyesight, so you can make out exactly where 238 degrees is on a candy thermometer without steam fogging up your glasses.

I think I just made chocolate jam. Does anyone want a jar of chocolate jam for Christmas? You could spread it on ice cream. It certainly won't solidify or anything like that. I know this because I was aiming for chocolate fudge. You know, the kind that you can slice up and put in 100 little candy cups and give out at work?

At least we have a backup plan: Derek's Mom's cookie recipe. Derek has purchased a professional-looking cookie press and we bought sprinkles, and there will be no candy thermometer involved. Still, I'm pissed about the fudge. I love fudge. My Aunt Sue used to send us homemade fudge for Christmas. It was great fudge, too -- just the right amount of graininess and chocolate. I usually hogged the box.

Maybe someone out there has fudge advice. Here's what happened. At a holiday party earlier this month someone had made fudge for the first time and described it as "easy". It involved chocolate, vanilla, and evaporated milk, and some stirring. I thought I could handle that, so I looked around for recipes online. Like an idiot, though, I settled on the complicated one in Joy of Cooking because I figured it might turn out to be REALLY GOOD (when it comes to cooking I am an over-achiever). The Joy recipe calls for half-and-half, heavy cream, corn syrup, bittersweet chocolate, sugar, vanilla, and butter. I should really know better. My mother goes through candy-making trauma every Christmas, and I've been witness to plenty of cursing and ruined batches of candied nuts and candy-thermometer distress. Candy-making is hard -- you have to measure everything perfectly right, and then god forbid you miss the crucial temperature mark because your syrup will turn to mud or rock candy or, in my case, chocolate jam.

Derek and I actually did math, on a sheet of paper, to calculate the proper amount of chocolate. I measured everything else very carefully, and even warmed the water to be used by the pastry brush (I should have realized when buying the pastry brush that I was in over my head). I forced myself to read the directions through once before starting to avoid the usual mid-recipe panic. I chopped chocolate and left the candy thermometer on the stove so it wouldn't be cold when I put it in the pot. I heated the sugar and cream in the pot until syrupy, then added the chocolate and stirred until it melted, and boiled the mixture for about a minute (probably at too high a heat, but it wouldn't boil, damnit).

Then, I added the thermometer and took pictures because I was so proud of my little cooking adventure. The temperature creeped up ever so slowly, and I decided to get a little cleaning done while waiting. I also got a bowl full of ice water ready to stop the cooking when it reached 238. The next time I looked at it, it was at 250. Since it was a new thermometer it took me a second to recognize 250, which possibly made things worse. I moved the pot to the ice water and waited. It took forever to cool down. I cleaned the entire kitchen and listened to a CD of annoying Nick at Nite TV Christmas songs (Derek was in charge of the music). Somewhere in the cooling process I remembered to add the last ingredients -- butter and vanilla. I did not stir anything during cooling because Joy forbids it.

When it was finally cool I was meant to stir it with a wooden spoon until it "snapped" or lost its sheen. I stirred and stirred. I didn't really know what "snapped" meant, but figured I'd find out when I got there. No such luck. When my arm got tired I brought the pot to Derek and he stirred mightily. We tried different stirring methods. The "fudge" was like shiny chocolate syrup that tasted a little odd. We went online for help and were advised to throw in some confectioner's sugar. I did so, but it did nothing in the way of reducing sheen or thickening or snapping. Finally, I gave up and poured it into the pan to "set", if that is even possible given it's liquidity. So sad. I'm not exactly sure what to do with it if it doesn't turn out to be edible. Maybe I can use it for fondue?

Update: Oh, man. It's such a shame. It sat for an hour and I covered it in candy cane pieces and it's soooo good, but it's never going to be solid. This is tragic.

Posted by csageday at December 17, 2005 12:02 AM

Comments

Posted by: molly at December 17, 2005 12:50 AM